A few jokes

In order to alleviate some of her concerns before the flight, Jess had told his daughter Hannah, six what to expect on her first airplane ride, including the effects of the pressurized cabin. She handled the flight well, but as the plane descended on its final approach, Hannah complained that she couldn’t hear very well. Jess told her to yawn, which she did. Suddenly she beamed and said in wonder, “Daddy, when I opened my mouth, my ears turned on!”
Why are semi-trucks bigger than regular trucks?
A group of well-intentioned people met to discuss ways and means of helping a close friend who had been down on his luck recently. Knowing him to be an extremely proud person who would not accept money, they decided to arrange a bogus raffle. They told him that they would all draw numbered slips of paper from a hat, and the person who drew the number four would win $500. They did not tell him that the number “four” was on every slip. After the drawing, each of the conspirators glanced at their slips and crumbled them up in the manner of disappointed losers. Then they waited to hear their friend announce that he had drawn the winning number. But he did not speak. Finally, one member of the group asked him, knowingly, “What number did you draw?” “Six and seven-eighths,” he replied, holding up the hat-size tag.
As a single parent, I know that my ten-year-old daughter has learned to do without many extras. Some time ago, to make things up to her, I promised to buy her toys as soon as I got a raise. A while later, my boss went on vacation and arranged for me to watch his dog, cats, and parrot. The night before he was due back, we went to feed the animals for the last time. As my daughter busied herself with the parrot, I couldn’t believe my ears. She was bombarding the hapless bird with; “Mommy needs a raise! Mommy needs a raise!” I got the raise; she got the toys.
While reading a meter for the power company, I noticed that a bush at one house was sculpted in the shape of a duck. Then I read the customer’s name: Quackenbush.
A girl was given a tea set for her second birthday. It became one of her favorite toys, and when her mother went away for a few weeks to care for her sick aunt, the toddler loved to take her father a little cup of tea, which was just water really, while he was engrossed watching the news on TV. He sipped each “cup of tea” he was brought and lavished generous praise on the taste, leaving the little girl immensely proud. Eventually the mother returned home and the father couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been looking after him. On cue, the girl took him his “cup of tea” and he sipped it before praising it to the heavens. The mother watched him drink it and then said to him: “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?”
When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. She asked, “What are the age and make of the vehicle?” Mark replied, “It’s a ’65 Ford.” Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, “It’s an old fossil.” Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. “Is there a problem?” asked Mark. “Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data,” she explained, “but it’s never heard of a Ford Fossil.”
Hippo to a lady with a camera: “Contrary to popular belief, we spend most of our time in the water because we don’t look good in bathing suits.”
Once there was this kitten that was chasing its tail. It just chased it and chased. An older wiser cat came along and he watched this kitten. The cat watched the kitten for a long time. Then he asked the kitten, “Kitten, why do you chase your tail?” The kitten replied, “Because I will find happiness in my tail.” The old cat watched for a time longer then he said, “I, too, use to chase my tail because I thought I would find happiness there. But I realized that I didn’t need to chase my tail for wherever I went it seemed to follow.” And the old cat got up and walked away with his tail whishing behind.
Now then,” said the warden addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot. “I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cell?” One of the three men stepped forward, “Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful.” “I see. And the cell? What did you use to break the bars?” Replied the spokesman, “Toast.”
By the time we’re ready to admit we’ve reached middle age, we’re beyond it.
A mess officer was bugged because too much bread was being left over. Some of the soldiers complained that it was too hard. The mess officer said, “If Napoleon’s troops had that bread, they’d have eaten it down to the last crumb.” A young soldier said, “I believe that, sir. But it was fresh then!”
I was getting a new phone the other day, and the young clerk was taking down all my vital information. When he got to the question “Date of birth?”, I told him. His eyes jerked up: “No way! You certainly don’t look THAT old!” “Just a fact of life, my boy,” I said, “it’s all in the genes.” He gave me an unbelieving stare: “No kidding? What brand do you wear?”
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
At the data-entry company where I work, the other operators and I share a coffeepot. One morning I took it into the ladies room to fill i t with water. Then I began preening in the mirror, brushing my hair and reapplying some makeup. I didn’t realize how long I’d been until someone slid a note under the door. “You win,” it read. Any ransom demand will be met. Just release the coffeepot.” –
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species. Curious, he asks the chimp, “What’s with the books?” The chimp replies, “I’m trying to decide whether I’m my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
My friend is engaged in a major custody battle. His wife doesn’t want him and his mother won’t take him back
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How do you know that a dog is man’s best friend? Try this experiment. Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car and drive around for a while. Come back home and open it up, and see which one of them is glad to see you.
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My husband and I have always exchanged chores around the house, including doing the dishes, which I hate to do, and mowing the lawn, which he hates to do. This worked to our mutual satisfaction until he began to be bothered by people in passing cars staring at him as he relaxed while I mowed. He solved the problem by presenting me with a T-shirt to wear while I was cutting the grass. On the front, big letters said: “IT’S ALL RIGHT.” The back of the T-shirt proclaimed: “HE DOES THE DISHES.”
A teller at our credit union was assisting a member with a loan application. “Do you have references?” she asked. The member replied, “Do they have to be living?”
Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese were stuck in a frozen lake. So a rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards — and the flock flew off. The men were left staring at open water. “So how’d it go?” someone back at the station asked. “Wild goose chase” was the reply.