English plural

The English Plural

We’ll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes;
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese;
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn’t the plural of pan be called pen ?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet ?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn’t the plural of booth be called beeth ?

Then one may be that, & three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose;
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother & also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his & him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis & shim !

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. 
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; 
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 
English muffins weren’t invented in England.

We take English  for granted,
but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square; 
A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
Why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, 
Grocers don’t groce & hammers don’t ham ?

Doesn’t it seem crazy that …
you can make amends but not one amend ?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends …
and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it ?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught ? 
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat ?

Sometimes I think all people who speak English

Should be in an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play,
and play at a recital ?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship …
We have noses that run & feet that smell;
We park in a driveway & drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance & a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man & a wise guy are opposites ?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down;
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
& in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing ….

If Father is Pop ….

how come Mother’s not Mop ? ? ? ? 

Funny stuff

I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I’m on the last one.

In an old Peanuts strip, Peppermint Patty and Violet are reflecting
on being a grandmother. After Patty declares that she would like to
be a grandmother, Violet agrees and says it would be nice because
all they have to do is “sit and rock” The girls then decide that the
trouble with being a grandmother is that first you have to be a wife
and then a mother…and Violet sighs, “I know it…it’s all those
preliminaries that get me!”
—————————————————————————-
A hard of hearing older lady went to the doctor to find out whether
there was any risk of her getting pregnant again. He told her: Mrs
Hennessey, you’re seventy-five. While one can never rule out an
act of God, if you were to have a baby it would be a miracle.”
When she got home, her husband asked her what the doctor had
said. ” I didn’t quite catch it all,” she admitted, “But it sounded a
bit fishy: something about an act of cod and if I had a baby it would
be a mackerel.”
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———————————————————————–
I recently returned to work after a year abroad with the Army Reserve.
On my first day back, a visitor from headquarters took me aside.
“How are you?” he asked, looking concerned. “Do you feel all right?”
“I’m fine,” I replied, nonplussed.
“Great!” he said. “I heard that you were away from work for a year
because you were in a wreck.” It took a minute before it dawned
on me what he meant.
“Iraq,” I said finally. “I’ve just come back from Iraq.”
——————————————————————-
I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush; I’m going to
move on to the ornamental shrubbery.”
—————————————————————–
Okay, I admit it. Any time I’m in Home Depot or Lowe’s I grab a few of
those paint chip sample cards that the paint companies provide so you
can color coordinate and whatever it is normal people do with those
paint chip sample cards. Me? I think they make great bookmarks.
————————————————————————————-
In Salt Lake City, Utah everyone is into researching
their family tree. (Okay, not everyone but a great
many) Even the big department stores sell genealogy
supplies.
A newcomer to Salt Lake City, and a non-researcher,
got a job as a clerk at one of the big department
stores.
She received her introduction to genealogy one day
when a customer came into the store and asked,
“Where do I find the Family Group Sheets?”
The new clerk, with a shocked look on her face,
answered,
“Family Group Sheets? All we carry are the King,
Queen, double and twin size sheets.”
————————————————————————–
This is going to be one of those “tight” months. After all
of those truck repairs I’m going to have to send the credit
card company a fat check. Plus, I finally found a small,
private business in the area that will work on my Honda,
but since I put all of the truck repairs on the credit card
I feel I need to pay for this work in cash.
Since my income is constant, when my bills go up the slack
has to come out of my food, and entertainment budget.
And there is only so much Raman Noodles and peanut butter
and jelly I’m willing to eat.
So I have an idea. I saw a classified online looking for
martial arts instructors to teach little kids part time.
Can you see me screaming at a room full five and six-year
olds? “You sniveling, little weaklings! Kick! Punch! Ten
pushups! If you’re not crying blood you’re not training!”
I’ve always had a good rapport with kids.
—————————————————————————–
Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate,
and Expert.
Novice User – Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might
break a computer.
Intermediate User – Someone who doesn’t know how to fix a computer
after pressing the key that broke it.
Expert User – Someone who presses the key that breaks someone
else’s computer.
————————————————————————
If “twenty-nine” is two digits, why isn’t “twenty-ten” three?
———————————————————
Open wider,” requested the dentist, as he began his examination
of the patient.
“Good Grief!” he said startled.
“You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen — the biggest cavity
I’ve ever seen.”
“OK Doc!” replied the patient. “I’m scared enough without you
saying something like that twice.”
“I didn’t!” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”
————————————————————————–
The Conspiracy
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded
to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially
the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you
ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves,
endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red
in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than
I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so
much that she didn’t even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my
hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ………
Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they
used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today!
You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway
in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast,
the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank,
but in reverse. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that
dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they’re fooling?
I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on —
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed
the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these
awful indignities.
PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON
AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
———————————————————————————-
Pun of the Day:
I just got back from a statistical probability conference. It was average.
——————————————————————————
A laundry-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he
stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use
on the washing machine?”
She replied, “It depends–what does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “San Diego Chargers.”
——————————————————————————
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes:”HOW TO HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENT”
I got it home and the box was empty.
—————————————————————————
A couple of summers ago, our son Scott and his family relocated to
Eielson Air Force Base near Fairbanks, Alaska. In awe of the state’s
wildlife and natural beauty, they looked forward to their four-year tour.
That December we received an e-mail from our 11-year-old
granddaughter that stated her opinion pretty clearly. It read
“Dear Grandma and Grandpa: It is 24 degrees below zero here
today. We have three years and eight months left. I love and
miss you. Leah.”
——————————————————————————
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18
holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a
good game today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard
the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I
have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the
terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get
in the golf cart and ride to it.”
—————————————————————————–
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the
self-help section?” She said if she told me it would defeat the
purpose.
——————————————————————————
One night, telephone solicitors kept interrupting our supper. When the phone
rang yet again, my father answered it. By his remarks, we assumed it was his
friend Ed, a notorious practical joker. Dad kept saying things like, “Cut it out,
Ed. This is very funny, but I know it’s you. C’mon, stop it or I’ll hang up. I’ll
get you for this.”
When Dad hung up, my mom asked, “Was that Ed?”
“No” my father replied. “It was a salesman, and I don’t think he’ll call back.”
———————————————————————————

———————————————————
My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose
sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have something called a freeze
plug replaced, a job that took two days. Then I discovered the battery
was dead and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too. Days later I proudly
handed the woman her keys saying. “Now your car is good for many more
miles.”
“Thanks,” she said. “All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to
the dealer. I’m trading it in tomorrow.”
—————————————————————————–
I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to
use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know
how to use my telephone.
————————————————————————-
A volunteer firefighter was grocery shopping when
his pager went off. He ran out, leaving his cart in an aisle.
When he returned he found the cart full with his list on
top and a note reading: “I finished your shopping for you.
Thanks for helping the community.”

—–

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Stupid cat!

Stupid Cat

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the
cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat
shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes
out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs,
with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s
just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

“Sorry I took so long,” he says, as they drive away. “Stupid hag was
hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to
come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

adult-ish humor


Did you hear about the circumciser who missed? He got the  sack
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   One day a completely naked young lady walks into a bar.  Of course, the  bartender stares at her as she walks up to his bar.  “What?” says the young  lass. “Haven’t you seen a naked lady  before?”
       The bartender continues to  stare at her.  “Give me a beer,” she says. “And stop staring like a  fool!”
       The bartender fetches her a brew  and then answers her original question — “Of course I have seen naked ladies  before!  But I was just curious as to where you’ll pull the money from to  pay for this  beer.”
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

On a family vacation in Texas, Mike exhibited all the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “everything is bigger in Texas!”

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300+ pound waitress…. 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked. The little boy said, “That’s my dog and he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

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Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says, “Look at that gorgeous redhead in that green suit.” 

They walk on, and the young man says, “Wow! Take a gander at that blonde in those red slacks.” 

They continue, and first young man says, “Holy cow! Feast your eyes on that brunette in the…” 

The second young man says, “Is that all you can think about? Clothes?” 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The night before my surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. 

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, “Are you going to me able to manage OK?” 

I said, “I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me.” 

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, “Nice try.” 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

“Parting  Shot”
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? 
A: Adjust the  steering wheel
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A   cannibal was walking through the jungle and came 
upon a restaurant   operated by a fellow cannibal. 
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and   looked 
over the menu… 

+ Tourist: $5 

+ Broiled   Missionary: $10.00 

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00 

+ Baked Democrat   or Grilled Republican: $100.00 

The cannibal called the waiter over   and asked, 
‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?’ 

The   cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean 
one? 
They’re so full of   shit, it takes all   morning!

=================

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$


Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a
few days. He’d been playing outside for a while when
he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what
is it called when people are sleeping on top of each
other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him
the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Johnny just said, “OK” and went back outside to
play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s
called bunk beds!”

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter 
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in 
two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed 
her his enormous boner.
“Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do 
with it?” With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the 
wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.”

=====

There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc. 

This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene. 

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. 

“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him. 

“Oh, relax,”says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.” 

“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again. 

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,”wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.” 

“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it? 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

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A few funnys…

On their way to town, a five-minute drive on the highway, my 
husband and three children wondered why other drivers were 
honking their horns. Upon arriving at a set of traffic lights, a 
lady in the next lane rolled down her window and yelled,
“Your cat’s on the roof!” 
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Some people just aren’t happy unless they have something to
complain about! Case in point:
I stayed in a beautiful hotel right on the beach in California …
an idyllic spot, you would think. But while I was waiting to
check out, I heard the manager ask another guest, “Did you enjoy
your stay?”
“Not really,” the man said grimly.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the manager apologized. “What was
the problem?”
“The surf was too loud.”
————————————————————————————
 
While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park
with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride
trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward
me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.
“We’re coming to a hill,” the mother announced to her children,
“so you’ll have to help me — are you ready?”
I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I
passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:
“I think I can, I think I can…” 
————————————————————————–
My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with 
their new cell phone. Although they are on a nationwide plan, 
they did make a brief foray into Canada, so they were hit with 
some surprise “roaming charges.”
Even though they’ve been back for awhile, those charges didn’t 
appear on their statement for several months. I had to explain 
to them that such things take time to work through the system.
Specifically, I told them, “Roamin’ wasn’t billed in a day.”
—————————————————————————
Working on a cruise ship, I was demonstrating to a group of young
passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea.
Do you know what level means?” I asked my 6 to 8 year-old charges.
One boy replied immediately.
“A level is something you need to pass in a video game to get to
a harder screen.”
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My 19-year-old granddaughter stood watching as her dad, 
grandfather and great-grandfather loaded tackle boxes, 
rods and bait to go on a fishing trip. As they got into 
the car, her grandfather asked with total confidence, 
“What kind of fish do you want us to bring home for 
supper?” “Well, if you’re filling orders, I’d like bass,” my 
granddaughter replied. Then she grinned. “And, Grandpa, 
don’t pay over two dollars and twenty-five cents a pound.”
————————————————————————
My Techie husband and I were walking in the high desert when 
he stopped to photograph one stunning vista after another.
Overcome by the sheer beauty, he paid it his ultimate compliment: 
“Everywhere I look is a screen saver!” 
—————————————————————–
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of 
excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict 
standards of discretion and respect that our 
government imposes on its workers. Fearful of 
making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on 
procedures and standards on the federal Office of 
Personnel Management web page. I’m not sure if
I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one 
page and found: “Ethics: Coming Soon!”
——————————————————————————
“Guess what?” yelled my high schooler as he burst through 
the door. “I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn’t even
know we were having.”
“That’s great!” I said. “But why didn’t you know about the quiz?”
“Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish.” 
——————————————————————-
The shipping/receiving bays at the company where I work are very 
busy with trucks coming and going. Potential for accidents is very
real. So for safety reasons, a sign was posted that reads “Warning!
Truck Area. Pedestrians Not Allowed.” To emphasize the point, the
following was added: “Violators Will Be Squished.”
———————————————————————————-
The chef of the upscale restaurant i manage collided with a waiter
one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured
into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling
and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around
the terminal as the computer was turned back on. “please let it
work,” pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter. A waitress replied, “should
be faster than ever. That was a double espresso.” 
——————————————————————————-
A little boy and his dog were waiting outside a veterinary clinic. 
When asked if he was there to see the doctor, he replied, “Yes, 
I’m having my dog put into neutral.” 
———————————————————————
As she watched me struggle to pop the childproof cap off a 
bottle of medicine, my eight-year-old daughter asked, “Why 
do they even have childproof caps? They know kids hate 
medicine.” 
———————————————————————-
University of Chicago researchers have found that sleeping more can 
help you lose weight. How many guys are going to jump on this one?
“Honey, I’m not sitting on the couch all weekend, I’m dieting.” 
——————————————————————–
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one 
of them jumped up and yelled at the other ,”What about the
powerful interest that controls you?”
And the other guy screamed back, “You leave my wife out of this!”
—————————————————————————–
My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour 
with the Royal Navy in England.
Everyone who drove through the base’s gates was required to hold 
an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband’s squadron started flashing 
different forms of ID, such as a driver’s license, just to see how far 
they could go to fool the busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.
—————————————————————————–
There was the new car buyer who insisted on buying a car with a
twelve-month warranty. He said the only thing he’d ever had last
a full year on the car was aggravation.
——————————————————————————–
Willie: “Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?”
Friend: “I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS and a GPS
override.”
Willie: “What is a GPS override?”
Friend: “A wife.”
———————————————————————————–

Hawaiian Chicken kabobs and Coconut rice..yummy!

Asian coconut rice

Prep Time: 5 Minutes
Cook Time: 20 Minutes
Ready In: 25 Minutes
Servings: 4
 
INGREDIENTS:
1 (14 ounce) can coconut milk
1 1/4 cups water
1 teaspoon sugar
1 pinch salt
1 1/2 cups uncooked jasmine rice
DIRECTIONS:
1.

In a saucepan, combine coconut milk, water, sugar, and salt. Stir until sugar is dissolved. Stir in rice. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 18 to 20 minutes, until rice is tender

Garnish with cilantro and toasted coconut and slivered almonds for a twist.

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Hawaiian Chicken Kabobs

 

Prep Time: 10 Minutes
Cook Time: 20 Minutes
Ready In: 2 Hours 30 Minutes
Servings: 8
“A light marinade of soy sauce, brown sugar, and sherry with sesame and spices tenderizes these chicken pineapple kabobs into an aloha grilled dream of a dish!”
INGREDIENTS:
3 tablespoons soy sauce
3 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons sherry
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
8 skinless, boneless chicken breast
halves – cut into 2 inch pieces
1 (20 ounce) can pineapple chunks,
drained
skewers
DIRECTIONS:
1. In a shallow glass dish, mix the soy sauce, brown sugar, sherry, sesame oil, ginger, and garlic powder. Stir the chicken pieces and pineapple into the marinade until well coated. Cover, and marinate in the refrigerator at least 2 hours.
2. Preheat grill to medium-high heat.
3. Lightly oil the grill grate. Thread chicken and pineapple alternately onto skewers. Grill 15 to 20 minutes, turning occasionally, or until chicken juices run clear

Food Felon

From Chicken Soup for the Soul: I Can’t Believe My Dog Did That!

Food Felon

By Nell Musolf

A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.
~Helen Thomson

Toby, a Golden-Retriever-Yellow-Lab mix, loved to eat. As a matter of fact, Toby loved to eat anything. Dog food was fine, but what he really liked was food left unattended by a family member who was doing something like, oh, answering the telephone or getting up to refill his milk glass. Toby would stealthily move from his position on his blanket in the corner of the family room, nonchalantly wander over to the dining room table, and make his move the second he spotted the opportunity.

Toby’s thieving ways didn’t go over too well with my husband Mark.

“That dog is impossible,” Mark said whenever Toby nabbed something off his plate. “When’s he going to learn that there is people food and there is dog food?”

I didn’t have an answer for him but it seemed pretty clear that not only was Toby never going to learn, he also didn’t have any interest in learning. Dog food might be okay, but people food was clearly better. Besides, Toby seemed to truly enjoy his life as a food felon.

Eventually, we all grew a little wiser when it came to protecting our meals. Someone in the family was appointed Guardian of the Dinner Table so Toby was no longer able to sneak a hamburger or a hot dog off anyone’s plate. We learned not to leave bowls of potato chips unattended on the coffee table. We especially learned to keep all food scraps in the garbage, which went under the kitchen sink behind a sturdy door.

Toby didn’t like our vigilance, but we knew that it was good for his digestive system and also good for our nerves. Mark was especially happy that Toby was no longer stealing food from us, his exasperated, hungry owners. After a while, we no longer had to be quite so vigilant. Toby seemed to be content with the food in his bowl. Family members were able to leave peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the kitchen counter, leave the room for longer than ten seconds, and return to find their snack still intact. Our kitchen kleptomaniac was apparently cured. Or so we thought.

One night, Mark was making a sandwich to put in his lunch for work the next day. Toby sat watching him, his big brown eyes following Mark’s hand as Mark slathered on mayonnaise and sliced some roast beef extra thin. Mark looked at Toby looking at him.

“This looks good, doesn’t it, Toby?” Mark said more than a bit smugly. “Well, I’m sorry but it’s for my lunch. I’m going to put it in the refrigerator and eat it tomorrow and it’s going to be delicious.”

Toby thumped his tail in response, drooling just a bit.

“You may have a small piece of roast beef,” Mark told him, tossing him some meat. Mark wrapped his sandwich in foil, put it in the refrigerator, cleaned up and then left the room. Toby watched him the whole time.

The next morning when he got up for work, Mark went to the refrigerator for his beautiful roast beef sandwich. He opened the refrigerator door, reached for the foil packet and his fingers met… nothing. Mark leaned down and looked into the refrigerator. His sandwich was gone. After checking every shelf, bin and container he realized that his roast beef sandwich was really and truly gone. He decided that someone else in the family must have eaten it so he grabbed an apple and a cheese stick and shut the refrigerator door.

   

The subject of the missing sandwich didn’t come up for a day or two, not until I was making a sandwich with the last of the roast beef.

“This looks good,” I commented as I sliced what was left of the beef into thin slices.

“You should know,” Mark responded. “After all, you ate my roast beef sandwich the other day.”

“I did not,” I responded, shocked.

“Sure you did. It was wrapped in foil in the refrigerator and it was gone the next morning. Didn’t you eat it?”

“Not me,” I said. “Maybe one of the kids?”

But both of our sons denied touching their dad’s roast beef sandwich and I believed them. Neither of them had ever been big fans of roast beef. Later that same evening I found a ball of foil crumpled on the floor of the living room. The moment I picked it up, Toby left the room looking somewhat guilty.

I looked at the ball of foil I was holding. Was it possible? Had Toby managed to get the refrigerator door open, find the roast beef sandwich, and devour it without our knowledge?

Mark and I agreed that it had to be what happened. “I can just imagine what he was thinking,” Mark said ruefully. “I was making that sandwich, telling him how wonderful it was going to be, telling him how he couldn’t have any of it and he was thinking, ‘want to bet?'”

 

 

============================================

Should I join facebook?

 
Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)
Read it all the way through! It’s a good laugh! AND really quite true!!

A good laugh for people in the over 60 group !!! 

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1,800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, “Re-calc-u-lating.” You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden “Paper or Plastic?” every time I check out just knocks me for a loop I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, “Paper or Plastic?” I just say, “Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual.” Then it’s their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot.” 

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

We senior citizens don’t need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

As I get older, I realize ….

As I get older, I realize there are

things in

My life I didn’t appreciate until it was too late…

I didn’t appreciate the naps they used to make

Me take in kindergarten.

 

 

I long for the day when someone says, “You

Can’t work anymore until you take a nap.”

I Guarantee you, I won’t argue.

 

 

I didn’t appreciate one-Penny candy or milk

That was delivered to your front door.

In the “do-it-yourself” world we’ll never see either of.

 

 

I didn’t appreciate those face-squishing hugs

My mother used to give me.

 

 

Now that she’s gone home to be with the God,

I long for just one more.

 

 

This time I would squish her right back.

 

 

 

I didn’t appreciate the days I danced barefoot

In the rain with my mouth open wide trying to

Get a drink of raindrops.

 

 

I didn’t appreciate the sacrifice my parents

Made for my brothers and me to keep us clothed,

Fed and happy.

 

 

I didn’t appreciate mom letting us mess up the

Living room on a rainy day.

 

 

I thought building a tent with a secret tunnel

Is what everyone did on those days.

 

 

 

I didn’t appreciate the marvels of planting a seed

And watching it sprout into a full-grown plant.

 

 

I didn’t appreciate the struggles we had to go

Through as a family.

 

 

 

Because of yesterday’s struggles, we have

Strength for today.

 

 

I didn’t appreciate the times my Daughters came to

Me and asked those annoying, unanswerable questions.

“What makes a duck quack?” “Why is the sky blue?”

 

 

 

I had no idea they thought I was smart enough

To answer all their questions.

 

 

I didn’t appreciate the times our family had.

I didn’t appreciate those primary School teachers

who went through so much

Trouble to collect toilet paper rolls so I could

Understand what a scroll was.

 

 

 

I didn’t appreciate those clear nights when the

Stars danced with glee showing

Off their awesome Creator.

 

 

 

I didn’t appreciate My Daughters’ “refrigerator

Artwork” that made our house a home.

 

 

 

I didn’t know to appreciate the muddy

Footprints my Girls and I so often found

 

 

making a Path across our carpet

 

 

as a representation of life.

 

 

 

 

I didn’t appreciate the times my children

 

 

fell Asleep in daddy’s arms.

 

 

I didn’t realize it was there they felt

Protected from all the elements of the world…….

 

 

God, I have just one prayer for today.

Open my eyes that I may be able to see

And appreciate the things that you do

each day…..

 

A few jokes

A mother said to her grown-up daughter: “Honey, I don’t want
you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes 
because it runs in our family.”
The daughter shook her head in despair, “No, Mom,” she replied, 
“you have diabetes because no one runs in our family.” 
————————————————————————————–
We needed a new doorbell, so my handy brother-in-law helped 
us install one. A few days later, very early in the morning, the 
doorbell rang. We got up to check the door and nobody was there. 
About a half hour later, the doorbell rang and again nobody was 
there. Convinced it was a practical joke, we camped out by the 
door. It rang again, and this time we could see there was 
definitely nobody there. We knew that a doorbell uses low 
voltage supplied by a transformer. We traced the wires and 
noticed that my brother-in-law had wired the doorbell into an 
existing transformer that was also hooked to the furnace 
thermostat. As a result, whenever the furnace turned on, the 
doorbell rang. We purchased a dedicated transformer for the
new doorbell and are now sleeping in on weekends.
————————————————————————————-
Golf was invented as a “game” by the same people who invented 
bagpipes for “music.”
———————————————————————–
 
Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you 
always end up praying a lot. 
——————————————————————————–
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had
enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
I ignored my wife’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around
the house, but I didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes
dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned
out in the middle of a seam.
The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing
happened.
She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
“That’s okay, honey,” I said.
“You still have me.”
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
“Yes,” she wailed,
“but you don’t work either!”
————————————————————————————-
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. 
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was 
told. 
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man. 
The reply came back: “It’s the one with all the broken 
windows.”
 
————————————————————-
 
In one of my daughter’s classes, they were discussing the 
qualifications to be president of the United States. It was 
pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen 
of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class 
immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to 
be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented 
many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and 
the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but 
everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument
by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more 
qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
—————————————————————————-
Lisa, who is my coworker at the travel agency where we’re 
both employed, had a customer whose trip was a complete 
fiasco from start to finish. Lisa was going to write him a letter 
of apology, but wasn’t sure how to begin.
I reminded her of a similar experience one of my customers
had the previous year, and dug out the letter I’d written for him 
so she could use it as an example.
Handing it to her, I said, “All you have to do is change the 
details: the date, the trip info, and the name.”
Lisa glanced at it, chuckled and shook her head. Then she 
looked up at me and said, “We won’t even have to change 
the name.” 
———————————————————————————
 
The 6 a.m. regulars at the dog run are, not surprisingly, 
a pet-oriented group. Recently John started discussing 
his trip. “The flight was awful! We were delayed for a few 
hours, and when we finally boarded, the baby behind me 
didn’t stop crying for the whole flight.” 
Another dog run regular turned to him in surprise: “What 
did the owner do?”
——————————————————————————-
A elderly gentleman was strolling through a quiet residential 
neighborhood when he came upon a little boy sitting on the curb, 
crying. “What’s the trouble, son?” he asked. “Are you lost?”
“Worse than that,” the youngster sobbed. “Mom lost her book on child 
rearing and now she’s using her own judgement!”
—————————————————————————-
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race 
started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It 
was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making 
fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”
I replied: “You really want to know?”
Then I dropped out of the race. 
————————————————————————–
Bill’s hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber. “That stuff 
you gave me,” he cried, “is terrible! You said two bottles of it would
make me hair grow, but nothing’s happened.” “I don’t understand it,” 
said the barber. “That’s the best hair restorer made.” “Well,” said Bill, 
“I don’t mind drinking another bottle, but it had better work!” 
—————————————————————
Back when I was working as a graphic designer, I often grabbed lunch 
at a Chinese restaurant. I’ll never forget a bit of wisdom from a fortune 
cookie I received one day. “In case of fire, keep calm, pay bill, then run!” 
———————————————————————————-
Ernie, my husband, has three sisters, and we all get along splendidly. I 
never realized how splendidly, though, until one night at a family dinner 
when we were discussing how it seemed that married couples don’t stay 
together anymore. Ernie’s oldest sister said it would be a shame if he and 
I separated. Curious, I asked why.
“Well,” she answered, “where would poor Ernie have Sunday dinner?”
—————————————————– 
Nolan, 4, was “helping” his mom Lisa with the dishes when she 
asked him who’s birthday would be next week. He replied, “Yours, 
Mom.” And he was right. Then she asked him how old she would 
be and he replied “33, Mom, and that’s old.” Well of course Lisa didn’t 
like that very much so she asked him if she LOOKED old and he 
replied, “No, but you will when you are 33… just like Daddy.” 
—————————————————————————–
 
The Brickers have been “summer cleaning” for over a week. They 
are going through every nook, cranny, box, etc., to get rid of things 
they don’t need and finish the construction projects. They made it 
up from the basement to the main floor where they are scrubbing 
everything. Caitlin, 17, scrubbed the refrigerator and it looked 
amazing. Kyle, 11, came in and said, “WOW Caitlin! Our refrigerator 
looks brand new!” Caitlin said, “Yes, it’s like having a new 
refrigerator without the new refrigerator payment!”
—————————————————————————–
Some folks feel the government owes them a living. The rest 
of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.
————————————————————————-
When our kids were young, my sisters and I would pass along clothes 
as the children outgrew them. My sister Jane was trying to persuade
her six-year-old daughter, Meagan, to wear the camouflage rubber 
boots one of my sons no longer used. Jane convinced her that if he 
wore the boots, nobody would spot her in the bushes during 
hide-and-seek.
But after one heavy rain, Meagan could not find her “new” boots. “
You should have bought me those red rubber boots, just like I asked!” 
she said to her mom. “How am I ever going to find camouflage boots?” 
———————————————————————————–
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