A few jokes

A mother said to her grown-up daughter: “Honey, I don’t want
you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes 
because it runs in our family.”
The daughter shook her head in despair, “No, Mom,” she replied, 
“you have diabetes because no one runs in our family.” 
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We needed a new doorbell, so my handy brother-in-law helped 
us install one. A few days later, very early in the morning, the 
doorbell rang. We got up to check the door and nobody was there. 
About a half hour later, the doorbell rang and again nobody was 
there. Convinced it was a practical joke, we camped out by the 
door. It rang again, and this time we could see there was 
definitely nobody there. We knew that a doorbell uses low 
voltage supplied by a transformer. We traced the wires and 
noticed that my brother-in-law had wired the doorbell into an 
existing transformer that was also hooked to the furnace 
thermostat. As a result, whenever the furnace turned on, the 
doorbell rang. We purchased a dedicated transformer for the
new doorbell and are now sleeping in on weekends.
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Golf was invented as a “game” by the same people who invented 
bagpipes for “music.”
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Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you 
always end up praying a lot. 
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I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had
enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
I ignored my wife’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around
the house, but I didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes
dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned
out in the middle of a seam.
The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing
happened.
She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
“That’s okay, honey,” I said.
“You still have me.”
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
“Yes,” she wailed,
“but you don’t work either!”
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A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. 
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was 
told. 
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man. 
The reply came back: “It’s the one with all the broken 
windows.”
 
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In one of my daughter’s classes, they were discussing the 
qualifications to be president of the United States. It was 
pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen 
of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class 
immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to 
be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented 
many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and 
the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but 
everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument
by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more 
qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
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Lisa, who is my coworker at the travel agency where we’re 
both employed, had a customer whose trip was a complete 
fiasco from start to finish. Lisa was going to write him a letter 
of apology, but wasn’t sure how to begin.
I reminded her of a similar experience one of my customers
had the previous year, and dug out the letter I’d written for him 
so she could use it as an example.
Handing it to her, I said, “All you have to do is change the 
details: the date, the trip info, and the name.”
Lisa glanced at it, chuckled and shook her head. Then she 
looked up at me and said, “We won’t even have to change 
the name.” 
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The 6 a.m. regulars at the dog run are, not surprisingly, 
a pet-oriented group. Recently John started discussing 
his trip. “The flight was awful! We were delayed for a few 
hours, and when we finally boarded, the baby behind me 
didn’t stop crying for the whole flight.” 
Another dog run regular turned to him in surprise: “What 
did the owner do?”
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A elderly gentleman was strolling through a quiet residential 
neighborhood when he came upon a little boy sitting on the curb, 
crying. “What’s the trouble, son?” he asked. “Are you lost?”
“Worse than that,” the youngster sobbed. “Mom lost her book on child 
rearing and now she’s using her own judgement!”
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Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race 
started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It 
was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making 
fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”
I replied: “You really want to know?”
Then I dropped out of the race. 
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Bill’s hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber. “That stuff 
you gave me,” he cried, “is terrible! You said two bottles of it would
make me hair grow, but nothing’s happened.” “I don’t understand it,” 
said the barber. “That’s the best hair restorer made.” “Well,” said Bill, 
“I don’t mind drinking another bottle, but it had better work!” 
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Back when I was working as a graphic designer, I often grabbed lunch 
at a Chinese restaurant. I’ll never forget a bit of wisdom from a fortune 
cookie I received one day. “In case of fire, keep calm, pay bill, then run!” 
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Ernie, my husband, has three sisters, and we all get along splendidly. I 
never realized how splendidly, though, until one night at a family dinner 
when we were discussing how it seemed that married couples don’t stay 
together anymore. Ernie’s oldest sister said it would be a shame if he and 
I separated. Curious, I asked why.
“Well,” she answered, “where would poor Ernie have Sunday dinner?”
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Nolan, 4, was “helping” his mom Lisa with the dishes when she 
asked him who’s birthday would be next week. He replied, “Yours, 
Mom.” And he was right. Then she asked him how old she would 
be and he replied “33, Mom, and that’s old.” Well of course Lisa didn’t 
like that very much so she asked him if she LOOKED old and he 
replied, “No, but you will when you are 33… just like Daddy.” 
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The Brickers have been “summer cleaning” for over a week. They 
are going through every nook, cranny, box, etc., to get rid of things 
they don’t need and finish the construction projects. They made it 
up from the basement to the main floor where they are scrubbing 
everything. Caitlin, 17, scrubbed the refrigerator and it looked 
amazing. Kyle, 11, came in and said, “WOW Caitlin! Our refrigerator 
looks brand new!” Caitlin said, “Yes, it’s like having a new 
refrigerator without the new refrigerator payment!”
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Some folks feel the government owes them a living. The rest 
of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.
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When our kids were young, my sisters and I would pass along clothes 
as the children outgrew them. My sister Jane was trying to persuade
her six-year-old daughter, Meagan, to wear the camouflage rubber 
boots one of my sons no longer used. Jane convinced her that if he 
wore the boots, nobody would spot her in the bushes during 
hide-and-seek.
But after one heavy rain, Meagan could not find her “new” boots. “
You should have bought me those red rubber boots, just like I asked!” 
she said to her mom. “How am I ever going to find camouflage boots?” 
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