you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes
because it runs in our family.”
The daughter shook her head in despair, “No, Mom,” she replied,
“you have diabetes because no one runs in our family.”
We needed a new doorbell, so my handy brother-in-law helped
us install one. A few days later, very early in the morning, the
doorbell rang. We got up to check the door and nobody was there.
About a half hour later, the doorbell rang and again nobody was
there. Convinced it was a practical joke, we camped out by the
door. It rang again, and this time we could see there was
definitely nobody there. We knew that a doorbell uses low
voltage supplied by a transformer. We traced the wires and
noticed that my brother-in-law had wired the doorbell into an
existing transformer that was also hooked to the furnace
thermostat. As a result, whenever the furnace turned on, the
doorbell rang. We purchased a dedicated transformer for the
new doorbell and are now sleeping in on weekends.
Golf was invented as a “game” by the same people who invented
bagpipes for “music.”
always end up praying a lot.
I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had
enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
I ignored my wife’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around
the house, but I didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes
dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned
out in the middle of a seam.
The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing
She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
“That’s okay, honey,” I said.
“You still have me.”
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
“Yes,” she wailed,
“but you don’t work either!”
A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location.
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.
The reply came back: “It’s the one with all the broken
qualifications to be president of the United States. It was
pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen
of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class
immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to
be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented
many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and
the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but
everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument
by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more
qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
Lisa, who is my coworker at the travel agency where we’re
both employed, had a customer whose trip was a complete
fiasco from start to finish. Lisa was going to write him a letter
of apology, but wasn’t sure how to begin.
I reminded her of a similar experience one of my customers
had the previous year, and dug out the letter I’d written for him
so she could use it as an example.
Handing it to her, I said, “All you have to do is change the
details: the date, the trip info, and the name.”
Lisa glanced at it, chuckled and shook her head. Then she
looked up at me and said, “We won’t even have to change
a pet-oriented group. Recently John started discussing
his trip. “The flight was awful! We were delayed for a few
hours, and when we finally boarded, the baby behind me
didn’t stop crying for the whole flight.”
Another dog run regular turned to him in surprise: “What
did the owner do?”
A elderly gentleman was strolling through a quiet residential
neighborhood when he came upon a little boy sitting on the curb,
crying. “What’s the trouble, son?” he asked. “Are you lost?”
“Worse than that,” the youngster sobbed. “Mom lost her book on child
rearing and now she’s using her own judgement!”
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race
started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making
fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”
I replied: “You really want to know?”
Then I dropped out of the race.
Bill’s hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber. “That stuff
you gave me,” he cried, “is terrible! You said two bottles of it would
make me hair grow, but nothing’s happened.” “I don’t understand it,”
said the barber. “That’s the best hair restorer made.” “Well,” said Bill,
“I don’t mind drinking another bottle, but it had better work!”
Back when I was working as a graphic designer, I often grabbed lunch
at a Chinese restaurant. I’ll never forget a bit of wisdom from a fortune
cookie I received one day. “In case of fire, keep calm, pay bill, then run!”
Ernie, my husband, has three sisters, and we all get along splendidly. I
never realized how splendidly, though, until one night at a family dinner
when we were discussing how it seemed that married couples don’t stay
together anymore. Ernie’s oldest sister said it would be a shame if he and
I separated. Curious, I asked why.
“Well,” she answered, “where would poor Ernie have Sunday dinner?”
Nolan, 4, was “helping” his mom Lisa with the dishes when she
asked him who’s birthday would be next week. He replied, “Yours,
Mom.” And he was right. Then she asked him how old she would
be and he replied “33, Mom, and that’s old.” Well of course Lisa didn’t
like that very much so she asked him if she LOOKED old and he
replied, “No, but you will when you are 33… just like Daddy.”
are going through every nook, cranny, box, etc., to get rid of things
they don’t need and finish the construction projects. They made it
up from the basement to the main floor where they are scrubbing
everything. Caitlin, 17, scrubbed the refrigerator and it looked
amazing. Kyle, 11, came in and said, “WOW Caitlin! Our refrigerator
looks brand new!” Caitlin said, “Yes, it’s like having a new
refrigerator without the new refrigerator payment!”
Some folks feel the government owes them a living. The rest
of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.
When our kids were young, my sisters and I would pass along clothes
as the children outgrew them. My sister Jane was trying to persuade
her six-year-old daughter, Meagan, to wear the camouflage rubber
boots one of my sons no longer used. Jane convinced her that if he
wore the boots, nobody would spot her in the bushes during
But after one heavy rain, Meagan could not find her “new” boots. “
You should have bought me those red rubber boots, just like I asked!”
she said to her mom. “How am I ever going to find camouflage boots?”