adult-ish humor


Did you hear about the circumciser who missed? He got the  sack
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

   One day a completely naked young lady walks into a bar.  Of course, the  bartender stares at her as she walks up to his bar.  “What?” says the young  lass. “Haven’t you seen a naked lady  before?”
       The bartender continues to  stare at her.  “Give me a beer,” she says. “And stop staring like a  fool!”
       The bartender fetches her a brew  and then answers her original question — “Of course I have seen naked ladies  before!  But I was just curious as to where you’ll pull the money from to  pay for this  beer.”
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

On a family vacation in Texas, Mike exhibited all the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “everything is bigger in Texas!”

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300+ pound waitress…. 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked. The little boy said, “That’s my dog and he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says, “Look at that gorgeous redhead in that green suit.” 

They walk on, and the young man says, “Wow! Take a gander at that blonde in those red slacks.” 

They continue, and first young man says, “Holy cow! Feast your eyes on that brunette in the…” 

The second young man says, “Is that all you can think about? Clothes?” 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

The night before my surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. 

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, “Are you going to me able to manage OK?” 

I said, “I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me.” 

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, “Nice try.” 

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

“Parting  Shot”
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? 
A: Adjust the  steering wheel
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

A   cannibal was walking through the jungle and came 
upon a restaurant   operated by a fellow cannibal. 
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and   looked 
over the menu… 

+ Tourist: $5 

+ Broiled   Missionary: $10.00 

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00 

+ Baked Democrat   or Grilled Republican: $100.00 

The cannibal called the waiter over   and asked, 
‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?’ 

The   cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean 
one? 
They’re so full of   shit, it takes all   morning!

=================

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$


Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a
few days. He’d been playing outside for a while when
he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what
is it called when people are sleeping on top of each
other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him
the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Johnny just said, “OK” and went back outside to
play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s
called bunk beds!”

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter 
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in 
two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed 
her his enormous boner.
“Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do 
with it?” With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the 
wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.”

=====

There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc. 

This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene. 

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. 

“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him. 

“Oh, relax,”says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.” 

“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again. 

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,”wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.” 

“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it? 
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

 

Image

Image

 

 

Image

A few funnys…

On their way to town, a five-minute drive on the highway, my 
husband and three children wondered why other drivers were 
honking their horns. Upon arriving at a set of traffic lights, a 
lady in the next lane rolled down her window and yelled,
“Your cat’s on the roof!” 
—————————————————————————
Some people just aren’t happy unless they have something to
complain about! Case in point:
I stayed in a beautiful hotel right on the beach in California …
an idyllic spot, you would think. But while I was waiting to
check out, I heard the manager ask another guest, “Did you enjoy
your stay?”
“Not really,” the man said grimly.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the manager apologized. “What was
the problem?”
“The surf was too loud.”
————————————————————————————
 
While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park
with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride
trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward
me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.
“We’re coming to a hill,” the mother announced to her children,
“so you’ll have to help me — are you ready?”
I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I
passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:
“I think I can, I think I can…” 
————————————————————————–
My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with 
their new cell phone. Although they are on a nationwide plan, 
they did make a brief foray into Canada, so they were hit with 
some surprise “roaming charges.”
Even though they’ve been back for awhile, those charges didn’t 
appear on their statement for several months. I had to explain 
to them that such things take time to work through the system.
Specifically, I told them, “Roamin’ wasn’t billed in a day.”
—————————————————————————
Working on a cruise ship, I was demonstrating to a group of young
passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea.
Do you know what level means?” I asked my 6 to 8 year-old charges.
One boy replied immediately.
“A level is something you need to pass in a video game to get to
a harder screen.”
———————————————————————–
My 19-year-old granddaughter stood watching as her dad, 
grandfather and great-grandfather loaded tackle boxes, 
rods and bait to go on a fishing trip. As they got into 
the car, her grandfather asked with total confidence, 
“What kind of fish do you want us to bring home for 
supper?” “Well, if you’re filling orders, I’d like bass,” my 
granddaughter replied. Then she grinned. “And, Grandpa, 
don’t pay over two dollars and twenty-five cents a pound.”
————————————————————————
My Techie husband and I were walking in the high desert when 
he stopped to photograph one stunning vista after another.
Overcome by the sheer beauty, he paid it his ultimate compliment: 
“Everywhere I look is a screen saver!” 
—————————————————————–
As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of 
excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict 
standards of discretion and respect that our 
government imposes on its workers. Fearful of 
making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on 
procedures and standards on the federal Office of 
Personnel Management web page. I’m not sure if
I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one 
page and found: “Ethics: Coming Soon!”
——————————————————————————
“Guess what?” yelled my high schooler as he burst through 
the door. “I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn’t even
know we were having.”
“That’s great!” I said. “But why didn’t you know about the quiz?”
“Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish.” 
——————————————————————-
The shipping/receiving bays at the company where I work are very 
busy with trucks coming and going. Potential for accidents is very
real. So for safety reasons, a sign was posted that reads “Warning!
Truck Area. Pedestrians Not Allowed.” To emphasize the point, the
following was added: “Violators Will Be Squished.”
———————————————————————————-
The chef of the upscale restaurant i manage collided with a waiter
one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured
into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling
and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around
the terminal as the computer was turned back on. “please let it
work,” pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter. A waitress replied, “should
be faster than ever. That was a double espresso.” 
——————————————————————————-
A little boy and his dog were waiting outside a veterinary clinic. 
When asked if he was there to see the doctor, he replied, “Yes, 
I’m having my dog put into neutral.” 
———————————————————————
As she watched me struggle to pop the childproof cap off a 
bottle of medicine, my eight-year-old daughter asked, “Why 
do they even have childproof caps? They know kids hate 
medicine.” 
———————————————————————-
University of Chicago researchers have found that sleeping more can 
help you lose weight. How many guys are going to jump on this one?
“Honey, I’m not sitting on the couch all weekend, I’m dieting.” 
——————————————————————–
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one 
of them jumped up and yelled at the other ,”What about the
powerful interest that controls you?”
And the other guy screamed back, “You leave my wife out of this!”
—————————————————————————–
My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour 
with the Royal Navy in England.
Everyone who drove through the base’s gates was required to hold 
an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband’s squadron started flashing 
different forms of ID, such as a driver’s license, just to see how far 
they could go to fool the busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.
—————————————————————————–
There was the new car buyer who insisted on buying a car with a
twelve-month warranty. He said the only thing he’d ever had last
a full year on the car was aggravation.
——————————————————————————–
Willie: “Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?”
Friend: “I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS and a GPS
override.”
Willie: “What is a GPS override?”
Friend: “A wife.”
———————————————————————————–

Hawaiian Chicken kabobs and Coconut rice..yummy!

Asian coconut rice

Prep Time: 5 Minutes
Cook Time: 20 Minutes
Ready In: 25 Minutes
Servings: 4
 
INGREDIENTS:
1 (14 ounce) can coconut milk
1 1/4 cups water
1 teaspoon sugar
1 pinch salt
1 1/2 cups uncooked jasmine rice
DIRECTIONS:
1.

In a saucepan, combine coconut milk, water, sugar, and salt. Stir until sugar is dissolved. Stir in rice. Bring to a boil over medium heat. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 18 to 20 minutes, until rice is tender

Garnish with cilantro and toasted coconut and slivered almonds for a twist.

————————————-

 

Hawaiian Chicken Kabobs

 

Prep Time: 10 Minutes
Cook Time: 20 Minutes
Ready In: 2 Hours 30 Minutes
Servings: 8
“A light marinade of soy sauce, brown sugar, and sherry with sesame and spices tenderizes these chicken pineapple kabobs into an aloha grilled dream of a dish!”
INGREDIENTS:
3 tablespoons soy sauce
3 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons sherry
1 tablespoon sesame oil
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
8 skinless, boneless chicken breast
halves – cut into 2 inch pieces
1 (20 ounce) can pineapple chunks,
drained
skewers
DIRECTIONS:
1. In a shallow glass dish, mix the soy sauce, brown sugar, sherry, sesame oil, ginger, and garlic powder. Stir the chicken pieces and pineapple into the marinade until well coated. Cover, and marinate in the refrigerator at least 2 hours.
2. Preheat grill to medium-high heat.
3. Lightly oil the grill grate. Thread chicken and pineapple alternately onto skewers. Grill 15 to 20 minutes, turning occasionally, or until chicken juices run clear

Food Felon

From Chicken Soup for the Soul: I Can’t Believe My Dog Did That!

Food Felon

By Nell Musolf

A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.
~Helen Thomson

Toby, a Golden-Retriever-Yellow-Lab mix, loved to eat. As a matter of fact, Toby loved to eat anything. Dog food was fine, but what he really liked was food left unattended by a family member who was doing something like, oh, answering the telephone or getting up to refill his milk glass. Toby would stealthily move from his position on his blanket in the corner of the family room, nonchalantly wander over to the dining room table, and make his move the second he spotted the opportunity.

Toby’s thieving ways didn’t go over too well with my husband Mark.

“That dog is impossible,” Mark said whenever Toby nabbed something off his plate. “When’s he going to learn that there is people food and there is dog food?”

I didn’t have an answer for him but it seemed pretty clear that not only was Toby never going to learn, he also didn’t have any interest in learning. Dog food might be okay, but people food was clearly better. Besides, Toby seemed to truly enjoy his life as a food felon.

Eventually, we all grew a little wiser when it came to protecting our meals. Someone in the family was appointed Guardian of the Dinner Table so Toby was no longer able to sneak a hamburger or a hot dog off anyone’s plate. We learned not to leave bowls of potato chips unattended on the coffee table. We especially learned to keep all food scraps in the garbage, which went under the kitchen sink behind a sturdy door.

Toby didn’t like our vigilance, but we knew that it was good for his digestive system and also good for our nerves. Mark was especially happy that Toby was no longer stealing food from us, his exasperated, hungry owners. After a while, we no longer had to be quite so vigilant. Toby seemed to be content with the food in his bowl. Family members were able to leave peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the kitchen counter, leave the room for longer than ten seconds, and return to find their snack still intact. Our kitchen kleptomaniac was apparently cured. Or so we thought.

One night, Mark was making a sandwich to put in his lunch for work the next day. Toby sat watching him, his big brown eyes following Mark’s hand as Mark slathered on mayonnaise and sliced some roast beef extra thin. Mark looked at Toby looking at him.

“This looks good, doesn’t it, Toby?” Mark said more than a bit smugly. “Well, I’m sorry but it’s for my lunch. I’m going to put it in the refrigerator and eat it tomorrow and it’s going to be delicious.”

Toby thumped his tail in response, drooling just a bit.

“You may have a small piece of roast beef,” Mark told him, tossing him some meat. Mark wrapped his sandwich in foil, put it in the refrigerator, cleaned up and then left the room. Toby watched him the whole time.

The next morning when he got up for work, Mark went to the refrigerator for his beautiful roast beef sandwich. He opened the refrigerator door, reached for the foil packet and his fingers met… nothing. Mark leaned down and looked into the refrigerator. His sandwich was gone. After checking every shelf, bin and container he realized that his roast beef sandwich was really and truly gone. He decided that someone else in the family must have eaten it so he grabbed an apple and a cheese stick and shut the refrigerator door.

   

The subject of the missing sandwich didn’t come up for a day or two, not until I was making a sandwich with the last of the roast beef.

“This looks good,” I commented as I sliced what was left of the beef into thin slices.

“You should know,” Mark responded. “After all, you ate my roast beef sandwich the other day.”

“I did not,” I responded, shocked.

“Sure you did. It was wrapped in foil in the refrigerator and it was gone the next morning. Didn’t you eat it?”

“Not me,” I said. “Maybe one of the kids?”

But both of our sons denied touching their dad’s roast beef sandwich and I believed them. Neither of them had ever been big fans of roast beef. Later that same evening I found a ball of foil crumpled on the floor of the living room. The moment I picked it up, Toby left the room looking somewhat guilty.

I looked at the ball of foil I was holding. Was it possible? Had Toby managed to get the refrigerator door open, find the roast beef sandwich, and devour it without our knowledge?

Mark and I agreed that it had to be what happened. “I can just imagine what he was thinking,” Mark said ruefully. “I was making that sandwich, telling him how wonderful it was going to be, telling him how he couldn’t have any of it and he was thinking, ‘want to bet?'”

 

 

============================================