A few funnys…

On their way to town, a five-minute drive on the highway, my 
husband and three children wondered why other drivers were 
honking their horns. Upon arriving at a set of traffic lights, a 
lady in the next lane rolled down her window and yelled,
“Your cat’s on the roof!” 
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Some people just aren’t happy unless they have something to
complain about! Case in point:
I stayed in a beautiful hotel right on the beach in California …
an idyllic spot, you would think. But while I was waiting to
check out, I heard the manager ask another guest, “Did you enjoy
your stay?”
“Not really,” the man said grimly.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the manager apologized. “What was
the problem?”
“The surf was too loud.”
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While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park
with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride
trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward
me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.
“We’re coming to a hill,” the mother announced to her children,
“so you’ll have to help me — are you ready?”
I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I
passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:
“I think I can, I think I can…” 
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My parents recently returned from an extended vacation with 
their new cell phone. Although they are on a nationwide plan, 
they did make a brief foray into Canada, so they were hit with 
some surprise “roaming charges.”
Even though they’ve been back for awhile, those charges didn’t 
appear on their statement for several months. I had to explain 
to them that such things take time to work through the system.
Specifically, I told them, “Roamin’ wasn’t billed in a day.”
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Working on a cruise ship, I was demonstrating to a group of young
passengers how the ship manages to stay level at sea.
Do you know what level means?” I asked my 6 to 8 year-old charges.
One boy replied immediately.
“A level is something you need to pass in a video game to get to
a harder screen.”
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My 19-year-old granddaughter stood watching as her dad, 
grandfather and great-grandfather loaded tackle boxes, 
rods and bait to go on a fishing trip. As they got into 
the car, her grandfather asked with total confidence, 
“What kind of fish do you want us to bring home for 
supper?” “Well, if you’re filling orders, I’d like bass,” my 
granddaughter replied. Then she grinned. “And, Grandpa, 
don’t pay over two dollars and twenty-five cents a pound.”
————————————————————————
My Techie husband and I were walking in the high desert when 
he stopped to photograph one stunning vista after another.
Overcome by the sheer beauty, he paid it his ultimate compliment: 
“Everywhere I look is a screen saver!” 
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As a new federal employee, I felt a combination of 
excitement and anxiety about meeting the strict 
standards of discretion and respect that our 
government imposes on its workers. Fearful of 
making a costly mistake, I decided to read up on 
procedures and standards on the federal Office of 
Personnel Management web page. I’m not sure if
I was relieved or worried when I clicked on one 
page and found: “Ethics: Coming Soon!”
——————————————————————————
“Guess what?” yelled my high schooler as he burst through 
the door. “I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn’t even
know we were having.”
“That’s great!” I said. “But why didn’t you know about the quiz?”
“Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish.” 
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The shipping/receiving bays at the company where I work are very 
busy with trucks coming and going. Potential for accidents is very
real. So for safety reasons, a sign was posted that reads “Warning!
Truck Area. Pedestrians Not Allowed.” To emphasize the point, the
following was added: “Violators Will Be Squished.”
———————————————————————————-
The chef of the upscale restaurant i manage collided with a waiter
one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured
into the processing unit, and resulted in some dramatic crackling
and popping sounds. After sopping up the mess, we gathered around
the terminal as the computer was turned back on. “please let it
work,” pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter. A waitress replied, “should
be faster than ever. That was a double espresso.” 
——————————————————————————-
A little boy and his dog were waiting outside a veterinary clinic. 
When asked if he was there to see the doctor, he replied, “Yes, 
I’m having my dog put into neutral.” 
———————————————————————
As she watched me struggle to pop the childproof cap off a 
bottle of medicine, my eight-year-old daughter asked, “Why 
do they even have childproof caps? They know kids hate 
medicine.” 
———————————————————————-
University of Chicago researchers have found that sleeping more can 
help you lose weight. How many guys are going to jump on this one?
“Honey, I’m not sitting on the couch all weekend, I’m dieting.” 
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Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one 
of them jumped up and yelled at the other ,”What about the
powerful interest that controls you?”
And the other guy screamed back, “You leave my wife out of this!”
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My husband, a U.S. Coast Guard pilot, was on an exchange tour 
with the Royal Navy in England.
Everyone who drove through the base’s gates was required to hold 
an official ID card up to the windshield for inspection by the guards.
As a friendly competition, my husband’s squadron started flashing 
different forms of ID, such as a driver’s license, just to see how far 
they could go to fool the busy guards.
The winner? The fellow who breezed past waving a piece of toast.
—————————————————————————–
There was the new car buyer who insisted on buying a car with a
twelve-month warranty. He said the only thing he’d ever had last
a full year on the car was aggravation.
——————————————————————————–
Willie: “Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?”
Friend: “I’m all set. I have the address, a GPS and a GPS
override.”
Willie: “What is a GPS override?”
Friend: “A wife.”
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