Funny stuff

I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I’m on the last one.

In an old Peanuts strip, Peppermint Patty and Violet are reflecting
on being a grandmother. After Patty declares that she would like to
be a grandmother, Violet agrees and says it would be nice because
all they have to do is “sit and rock” The girls then decide that the
trouble with being a grandmother is that first you have to be a wife
and then a mother…and Violet sighs, “I know it…it’s all those
preliminaries that get me!”
A hard of hearing older lady went to the doctor to find out whether
there was any risk of her getting pregnant again. He told her: Mrs
Hennessey, you’re seventy-five. While one can never rule out an
act of God, if you were to have a baby it would be a miracle.”
When she got home, her husband asked her what the doctor had
said. ” I didn’t quite catch it all,” she admitted, “But it sounded a
bit fishy: something about an act of cod and if I had a baby it would
be a mackerel.”

I recently returned to work after a year abroad with the Army Reserve.
On my first day back, a visitor from headquarters took me aside.
“How are you?” he asked, looking concerned. “Do you feel all right?”
“I’m fine,” I replied, nonplussed.
“Great!” he said. “I heard that you were away from work for a year
because you were in a wreck.” It took a minute before it dawned
on me what he meant.
“Iraq,” I said finally. “I’ve just come back from Iraq.”
I’ve decided to stop beating around the bush; I’m going to
move on to the ornamental shrubbery.”
Okay, I admit it. Any time I’m in Home Depot or Lowe’s I grab a few of
those paint chip sample cards that the paint companies provide so you
can color coordinate and whatever it is normal people do with those
paint chip sample cards. Me? I think they make great bookmarks.
In Salt Lake City, Utah everyone is into researching
their family tree. (Okay, not everyone but a great
many) Even the big department stores sell genealogy
A newcomer to Salt Lake City, and a non-researcher,
got a job as a clerk at one of the big department
She received her introduction to genealogy one day
when a customer came into the store and asked,
“Where do I find the Family Group Sheets?”
The new clerk, with a shocked look on her face,
“Family Group Sheets? All we carry are the King,
Queen, double and twin size sheets.”
This is going to be one of those “tight” months. After all
of those truck repairs I’m going to have to send the credit
card company a fat check. Plus, I finally found a small,
private business in the area that will work on my Honda,
but since I put all of the truck repairs on the credit card
I feel I need to pay for this work in cash.
Since my income is constant, when my bills go up the slack
has to come out of my food, and entertainment budget.
And there is only so much Raman Noodles and peanut butter
and jelly I’m willing to eat.
So I have an idea. I saw a classified online looking for
martial arts instructors to teach little kids part time.
Can you see me screaming at a room full five and six-year
olds? “You sniveling, little weaklings! Kick! Punch! Ten
pushups! If you’re not crying blood you’re not training!”
I’ve always had a good rapport with kids.
Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate,
and Expert.
Novice User – Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might
break a computer.
Intermediate User – Someone who doesn’t know how to fix a computer
after pressing the key that broke it.
Expert User – Someone who presses the key that breaks someone
else’s computer.
If “twenty-nine” is two digits, why isn’t “twenty-ten” three?
Open wider,” requested the dentist, as he began his examination
of the patient.
“Good Grief!” he said startled.
“You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen — the biggest cavity
I’ve ever seen.”
“OK Doc!” replied the patient. “I’m scared enough without you
saying something like that twice.”
“I didn’t!” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”
The Conspiracy
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper.
Groceries are heavier.
And, everything is farther away.
Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded
to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially
the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you
ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves,
endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red
in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age.
On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than
I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so
much that she didn’t even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my
hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection ………
Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they
used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today!
You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway
in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast,
the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank,
but in reverse. Do they think I actually believe the number I see on that
dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these
people think they’re fooling?
I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on —
but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed
the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number
in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless
something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these
awful indignities.
Pun of the Day:
I just got back from a statistical probability conference. It was average.
A laundry-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he
stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use
on the washing machine?”
She replied, “It depends–what does it say on your shirt?”
He yelled back, “San Diego Chargers.”
I bought a box of self-improvement tapes:”HOW TO HANDLE DISAPPOINTMENT”
I got it home and the box was empty.
A couple of summers ago, our son Scott and his family relocated to
Eielson Air Force Base near Fairbanks, Alaska. In awe of the state’s
wildlife and natural beauty, they looked forward to their four-year tour.
That December we received an e-mail from our 11-year-old
granddaughter that stated her opinion pretty clearly. It read
“Dear Grandma and Grandpa: It is 24 degrees below zero here
today. We have three years and eight months left. I love and
miss you. Leah.”
Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18
holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a
good game today?”
The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”
The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”
The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”
The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”
After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard
the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I
have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the
terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”
The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get
in the golf cart and ride to it.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the
self-help section?” She said if she told me it would defeat the
One night, telephone solicitors kept interrupting our supper. When the phone
rang yet again, my father answered it. By his remarks, we assumed it was his
friend Ed, a notorious practical joker. Dad kept saying things like, “Cut it out,
Ed. This is very funny, but I know it’s you. C’mon, stop it or I’ll hang up. I’ll
get you for this.”
When Dad hung up, my mom asked, “Was that Ed?”
“No” my father replied. “It was a salesman, and I don’t think he’ll call back.”

My wife asked me to help one of our neighbors, a young mother whose
sailor husband was at sea. Her car had to have something called a freeze
plug replaced, a job that took two days. Then I discovered the battery
was dead and the starter was shot, so I fixed those too. Days later I proudly
handed the woman her keys saying. “Now your car is good for many more
“Thanks,” she said. “All I care is that it runs long enough to make it to
the dealer. I’m trading it in tomorrow.”
I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to
use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know
how to use my telephone.
A volunteer firefighter was grocery shopping when
his pager went off. He ran out, leaving his cart in an aisle.
When he returned he found the cart full with his list on
top and a note reading: “I finished your shopping for you.
Thanks for helping the community.”