adult-ish humor


Did you hear about the circumciser who missed? He got the  sack
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   One day a completely naked young lady walks into a bar.  Of course, the  bartender stares at her as she walks up to his bar.  “What?” says the young  lass. “Haven’t you seen a naked lady  before?”
       The bartender continues to  stare at her.  “Give me a beer,” she says. “And stop staring like a  fool!”
       The bartender fetches her a brew  and then answers her original question — “Of course I have seen naked ladies  before!  But I was just curious as to where you’ll pull the money from to  pay for this  beer.”
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On a family vacation in Texas, Mike exhibited all the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “everything is bigger in Texas!”

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300+ pound waitress…. 
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A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked. The little boy said, “That’s my dog and he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

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Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says, “Look at that gorgeous redhead in that green suit.” 

They walk on, and the young man says, “Wow! Take a gander at that blonde in those red slacks.” 

They continue, and first young man says, “Holy cow! Feast your eyes on that brunette in the…” 

The second young man says, “Is that all you can think about? Clothes?” 
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The night before my surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. 

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, “Are you going to me able to manage OK?” 

I said, “I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me.” 

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, “Nice try.” 

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“Parting  Shot”
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? 
A: Adjust the  steering wheel
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A   cannibal was walking through the jungle and came 
upon a restaurant   operated by a fellow cannibal. 
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and   looked 
over the menu… 

+ Tourist: $5 

+ Broiled   Missionary: $10.00 

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00 

+ Baked Democrat   or Grilled Republican: $100.00 

The cannibal called the waiter over   and asked, 
‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?’ 

The   cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean 
one? 
They’re so full of   shit, it takes all   morning!

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
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Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a
few days. He’d been playing outside for a while when
he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what
is it called when people are sleeping on top of each
other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him
the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Johnny just said, “OK” and went back outside to
play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s
called bunk beds!”

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter 
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in 
two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed 
her his enormous boner.
“Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do 
with it?” With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the 
wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.”

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There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc. 

This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene. 

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. 

“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him. 

“Oh, relax,”says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.” 

“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again. 

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,”wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.” 

“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it? 
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