In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. “Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren’t copying someone else’s mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?” Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. “Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document.” He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening. The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. “Father Justinian,” he called. The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time. “Oh, my Lord,” sobbed Father Justinian, “the word is ‘celebrate’!”
A man had trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in.
The neighbor kept saying chickens were noble
creatures, and they had the right to go where they wanted.The man had no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds.
He tried everything…Two weeks later, a visiting friend noticed the flower beds were doing great!
They were blooming and beautiful.So the friend asked, “How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?””One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that.”
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…” Time stopped.The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?” The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
Little Lucy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Lucy?” “My goldfish died,” replied Lucy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.” The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?” Lucy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your darn cat!”
Nescafe arranges a meeting with the Pope at the VaticanAfter receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers ‘Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day Our daily coffee.’The Pope responds, ‘That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”Well,’ said the Nescafe man, ‘we anticipated your reluctance. For this Reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.”My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and it Must not be changed.’The Nescafe guy says, ‘Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence To the faith, but we do have one final offer….We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us This day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.”Please consider it.’And he leaves.The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.’There is some good news,’ he announces, ‘and some bad news.’The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.”And the bad news your Holiness?’ asks a Cardinal.’We’re losing the Wonder Bread account.’
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?” “Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?” Frustrated, the man answered, “Put that darned cat on the phone. I’m lost and need directions!”
~Charlie was a regular visitor at the race track. One afternoon heNoticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic Priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a Blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure Enough the blessed horse came in first!Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again the Priest went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie Played a hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure Enough, the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won Close To fifty bucks! The priest continued the same procedure through the Next few races and the horse won each time.So between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank toWithdraw his life’s savings, $20,000. The biggest race of the day wasThe last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully whichHorse he blessed.He then went to the betting window and put his whole bundle of cash onThat horse, to win. Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race.Down the stretch they came and as they crossed the finish line, theHorse Charlie’s fortune was bet on was far behind … Dead last!Charlie was crushed.He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him blessThe horses which all became winners throughout the day. Charlie thenAsked, “What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Because ofYour failure on that last horse, I have lost my entire life’s Savings.””That’s the trouble with you Protestants,” sighed the priest, “youNever could tell the difference between a blessing and the Last Rites.”
A little old lady answered a
Knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed
Young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.. “Good morning,” said the young
Man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like
To demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.” “Go
Away!” said the old lady. ”I’m broke and haven’t got any money!”
And she proceeded to try to close the door. Quick as a flash, the
Young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
”Don’t be too hasty!” he said. ”Not until you have at least seen
My demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
Manure onto her hallway carpet. “Now, if this vacuum cleaner does
Not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I
Will personally eat the remainder.” The old lady stepped back and
Said:”Well let me get you a fork, cause they cut off my electricity this morning.”
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.” God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love – which he managed to get through without complaint.The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night!”
A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.” Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.” This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.” The nun said, “That’s fine by me.” To which the exasperated priest exclaimed, “Get up and get your own stupid blanket!”
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly Morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would answer the phone.”Immediately, the husband drove down town to confront the chemist and an apology.Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, “Just A minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go Off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out To the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house And car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.””Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.””When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me To open. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all Time the darn phone was ringing.”He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash Drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I Had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone Was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash Drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of Perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke””Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.””Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”
Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice.
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks.
And someone nice to scratch my back.
For windowsills all warm and bright.
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule–
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by Cats!
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys.I told my wife that I would be home by midnight… “IPromise!”Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going downWay too easy. At 3 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallStarted up and cuckooed three times.Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooedAnother 9 times. I was really proud of myself for havingSuch a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape aPossible conflict.The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and ITold her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. GotAway with that one, I thought!Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I askedHer why she said, “Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times,Then said, ‘Oh crap,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared itsThroat, cuckooed another 3 times, snickered, cuckooed twiceMore, and then farted.”
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution: “You
Don’t want to try these techniques at home.”
“Why not?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert
Explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove,
Table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I
Told her, ‘Hon, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?'”
“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes”, replied the expert. “It used to take her 20 minutes to
Make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leadsin their first School play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.
The first litle boy was to say: My fair maiden….”I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope”…The second little boy was to reply by saying“Hark! a pistol shot.”Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous,knowing that all the seats were soon going to be filled with family and grown-ups.The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to rememberto speak very loudly as soon as the curtain goes up.
Well, the curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified.They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.And so the first boy yelled out these unforgettable words….”My fair maiden….I have come to kiss your snatch….and fill your hole with soap.”The second boy screams out ….”Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit,horse shit, cow shit, bull shit. I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway….”The audience left howling with laughter.
> Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing – imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
> Give this a try.
> 4-5 lb. Chicken
> 1-Cup melted butter
> 1-cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is best)
> 1-cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHERS LOW FAT)
> Lightly salt and pepper to taste
> Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter,
> then salt and pepper. Fill the cavity with the stuffing and popcorn.
> Place in baking pan with the neck end towards the back of the oven.
> Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken’s ass blows the oven
> door open and the chicken flies across the room, it’s done.
> And you thought I couldn’t cook.
His dizzy aunt ———– Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes ——–Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ———– Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ——— U Gogh
His magician uncle ———— Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ——— A Mee Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ——— Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ———- Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ——– Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ————— Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin —————- Man Gogh
A sister who loved disco ————— Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ——— Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . .�. . . . there ya Gogh
This is hilarious !!
A sweet grandmother
Telephoned St. Joseph ‘s Hospital. She timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,
“Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,
“I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her
Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good
The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”
The grandmother said,”No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shit.”
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -a grand motherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy.
And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents.
And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem.
The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.
In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”