It’s A Monk’s Life

In an ancient monastery, a new monk arrived to dedicate his life to God and to join the others copying ancient records. The first thing he noticed was that they were copying by hand books that had already been copied by hand. He had to speak up. “Forgive me, Father Justinian, but copying other copies by hand allows many chances for error. How do we know we aren’t copying someone else’s mistakes? Are they ever checked against the originals?” Father Justinian was startled. No one had ever suggested that before. “Well, that is a good point, my son. I will take one of these latest books down to the vault and study it against its original document.” He went deep into the vault where no one else was allowed to enter and started to study. The day passed, and it was getting late in the evening. The monks were getting worried about Father Justinian. Finally one monk started making his way through the old vault, and as he began to think he might get lost, he heard sobbing. “Father Justinian,” he called. The sobbing grew louder as he came closer. He finally found the old priest sitting at a table with the new copy and the original ancient book in front of him. It was obvious that Father Justinian had been crying for a long time. “Oh, my Lord,” sobbed Father Justinian, “the word is ‘celebrate’!”

Give us this day

Nescafe arranges a meeting with the Pope at the VaticanAfter receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers ‘Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day Our daily coffee.’The Pope responds, ‘That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”Well,’ said the Nescafe man, ‘we anticipated your reluctance. For this Reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.”My son, it is impossible, for the prayer is the word of the Lord and it Must not be changed.’The Nescafe guy says, ‘Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence To the faith, but we do have one final offer….We will donate $500 million – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us This day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.”Please consider it.’And he leaves.The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.’There is some good news,’ he announces, ‘and some bad news.’The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.”And the bad news your Holiness?’ asks a Cardinal.’We’re losing the Wonder Bread account.’

Men, Be careful what you wish for!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, “Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies.” God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw out money to pay the power bill and telephone bill, drove to the power company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 p.m. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing greens for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 p.m. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love – which he managed to get through without complaint.The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll have to wait 9 months, though. You got pregnant last night!”

The priest and the nun

A priest and a nun were lost in a snowstorm. After a while, they came upon a small cabin. Being exhausted, they prepared to go to sleep. There was a stack of blankets and a sleeping bag on the floor but only one bed. Being a gentleman, the priest said, “Sister, you sleep on the bed. I’ll sleep on the floor in the sleeping bag.” Just as he got zipped up in the bag and was beginning to fall asleep, the nun said “Father, I’m cold.” He unzipped the sleeping bag, got up, got the blanket and put it on her. Once again, he got into the sleeping bag, zipped it up and started to drift off to sleep when the nun once again said, “Father, I’m still very cold.” He unzipped the bag, got up again, put another blanket on her and got into the sleeping bag once again. Just as his eyes closed, she said, “Father, I’m sooooo cold.” This time, he remained there and said, “Sister, I have an idea. We’re out here in the wilderness where no one will ever know what happened. Let’s pretend we’re married.” The nun said, “That’s fine by me.” To which the exasperated priest exclaimed, “Get up and get your own stupid blanket!”

The kiss

At the end of their first date, a young fellow takes the girl back to her home. On the front porch, leaning against the wall with a bit of swagger, he decides to try for that important first kiss.He: “Sweet thing, how ’bout a good night kiss?”She: “Oh, I couldn’t do that. My parents will see us!”He: “Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”She: “No, please. I would just die of embarrassment if someone saw us.”He: “Baby, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”She: “No way. It’s just too risky!”He: “Oh please, please, I like you so much!!”She: “No. I like you too, but I just can’t!”He: “Oh yes you can. Please, Sugar? Please?”She: “No, no. I just can’t.”He: “Pleeeeease?…”Then the porch light goes on and the girl’s sister shows up in her pajamas, sleepy, hair disheveled. “Dad says go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

The traveling nun

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself “I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me.” She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, “You’re a nun you weigh 128 lb. And you are going to Chicago, Illinois.” She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you’re agoing to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.” The nun said to herself, “I know that’s wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life,” She sat down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again,” Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois and you’re going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; “I’ve never broke wind in public a day in my life! “Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable! I’ve got to try it again.” She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago.

High Birth Rate

A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. “Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clocktrain comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”

The gas company

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

A thousand marbles

A Thousand Marbles

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the study with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it. I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning swap net.

Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind; he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whomever he was talking with something about “a thousand marbles.” I was intrigued and stopped to listen.

“Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital.” He continued, “Let me tell you something Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities.” And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a “thousand marbles.”

“You see, I sat down one day and did a little math. The average person lives about 75 years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about 75 years. Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900, which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime.” “Now, stick with me, Tom, I’m getting to the important part.” “It took me until I was 55 years old to think about all this in any detail”; he went on, “and by that time I had lived through over 2800 Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be 75, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.”

“So I went to a toy store and bought every
single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out.” “I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focus more on the important things in life.” There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.”

“Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure that if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.” “It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band. 75 year Old Man, this is KJWH, clear and going, good morning!”

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.” “What brought this on?” she asked with a smile. “Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent Saturday together with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles!

Retired Preacher


A preacher retired and moved to the country to enjoy life and practice his hobby of yard work. Needing a lawn mower, he headed into town to buy one. On the way he saw a sign advertising a lawn mower for sale. He stopped at the house and a young lad came out to greet him. The preacher asked about the lawn mower and the kid said it was behind the house. The two went to look at the lawn mower. The engine was sputtering along at idle speed. The preacher increased the speed of the engine and mowed a few strips. Satisfied that the mower would do the job they settled on a price of $25.00. Later in the day, the young lad was riding his bicycle when he spied the preacher pulling on the engine starter rope. The kid stopped and watched for a couple of minutes. He asked, “What’s wrong?” The reply came, “I can’t get this mower started. Do you know how?” The kid said, “Yep.” “Well, how do you do it? Tell me!”, the preacher yelled. The kid replied, “You have to cuss it.” The preacher rose up indignantly. “Now you listen here. I am a preacher and if I ever did cuss, not saying I have, I’ve forgotten how to do it after all these years.” With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, the kid said, “Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it’ll all come back to ya.”

adult-ish humor


Did you hear about the circumciser who missed? He got the  sack
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   One day a completely naked young lady walks into a bar.  Of course, the  bartender stares at her as she walks up to his bar.  “What?” says the young  lass. “Haven’t you seen a naked lady  before?”
       The bartender continues to  stare at her.  “Give me a beer,” she says. “And stop staring like a  fool!”
       The bartender fetches her a brew  and then answers her original question — “Of course I have seen naked ladies  before!  But I was just curious as to where you’ll pull the money from to  pay for this  beer.”
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On a family vacation in Texas, Mike exhibited all the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “everything is bigger in Texas!”

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300+ pound waitress…. 
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A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked. The little boy said, “That’s my dog and he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

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Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says, “Look at that gorgeous redhead in that green suit.” 

They walk on, and the young man says, “Wow! Take a gander at that blonde in those red slacks.” 

They continue, and first young man says, “Holy cow! Feast your eyes on that brunette in the…” 

The second young man says, “Is that all you can think about? Clothes?” 
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The night before my surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. 

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, “Are you going to me able to manage OK?” 

I said, “I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me.” 

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, “Nice try.” 

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“Parting  Shot”
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? 
A: Adjust the  steering wheel
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A   cannibal was walking through the jungle and came 
upon a restaurant   operated by a fellow cannibal. 
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and   looked 
over the menu… 

+ Tourist: $5 

+ Broiled   Missionary: $10.00 

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00 

+ Baked Democrat   or Grilled Republican: $100.00 

The cannibal called the waiter over   and asked, 
‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?’ 

The   cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean 
one? 
They’re so full of   shit, it takes all   morning!

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
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Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a
few days. He’d been playing outside for a while when
he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what
is it called when people are sleeping on top of each
other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him
the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Johnny just said, “OK” and went back outside to
play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s
called bunk beds!”

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter 
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in 
two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed 
her his enormous boner.
“Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do 
with it?” With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the 
wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.”

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There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc. 

This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene. 

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. 

“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him. 

“Oh, relax,”says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.” 

“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again. 

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,”wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.” 

“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it? 
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Food Felon

From Chicken Soup for the Soul: I Can’t Believe My Dog Did That!

Food Felon

By Nell Musolf

A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.
~Helen Thomson

Toby, a Golden-Retriever-Yellow-Lab mix, loved to eat. As a matter of fact, Toby loved to eat anything. Dog food was fine, but what he really liked was food left unattended by a family member who was doing something like, oh, answering the telephone or getting up to refill his milk glass. Toby would stealthily move from his position on his blanket in the corner of the family room, nonchalantly wander over to the dining room table, and make his move the second he spotted the opportunity.

Toby’s thieving ways didn’t go over too well with my husband Mark.

“That dog is impossible,” Mark said whenever Toby nabbed something off his plate. “When’s he going to learn that there is people food and there is dog food?”

I didn’t have an answer for him but it seemed pretty clear that not only was Toby never going to learn, he also didn’t have any interest in learning. Dog food might be okay, but people food was clearly better. Besides, Toby seemed to truly enjoy his life as a food felon.

Eventually, we all grew a little wiser when it came to protecting our meals. Someone in the family was appointed Guardian of the Dinner Table so Toby was no longer able to sneak a hamburger or a hot dog off anyone’s plate. We learned not to leave bowls of potato chips unattended on the coffee table. We especially learned to keep all food scraps in the garbage, which went under the kitchen sink behind a sturdy door.

Toby didn’t like our vigilance, but we knew that it was good for his digestive system and also good for our nerves. Mark was especially happy that Toby was no longer stealing food from us, his exasperated, hungry owners. After a while, we no longer had to be quite so vigilant. Toby seemed to be content with the food in his bowl. Family members were able to leave peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the kitchen counter, leave the room for longer than ten seconds, and return to find their snack still intact. Our kitchen kleptomaniac was apparently cured. Or so we thought.

One night, Mark was making a sandwich to put in his lunch for work the next day. Toby sat watching him, his big brown eyes following Mark’s hand as Mark slathered on mayonnaise and sliced some roast beef extra thin. Mark looked at Toby looking at him.

“This looks good, doesn’t it, Toby?” Mark said more than a bit smugly. “Well, I’m sorry but it’s for my lunch. I’m going to put it in the refrigerator and eat it tomorrow and it’s going to be delicious.”

Toby thumped his tail in response, drooling just a bit.

“You may have a small piece of roast beef,” Mark told him, tossing him some meat. Mark wrapped his sandwich in foil, put it in the refrigerator, cleaned up and then left the room. Toby watched him the whole time.

The next morning when he got up for work, Mark went to the refrigerator for his beautiful roast beef sandwich. He opened the refrigerator door, reached for the foil packet and his fingers met… nothing. Mark leaned down and looked into the refrigerator. His sandwich was gone. After checking every shelf, bin and container he realized that his roast beef sandwich was really and truly gone. He decided that someone else in the family must have eaten it so he grabbed an apple and a cheese stick and shut the refrigerator door.

   

The subject of the missing sandwich didn’t come up for a day or two, not until I was making a sandwich with the last of the roast beef.

“This looks good,” I commented as I sliced what was left of the beef into thin slices.

“You should know,” Mark responded. “After all, you ate my roast beef sandwich the other day.”

“I did not,” I responded, shocked.

“Sure you did. It was wrapped in foil in the refrigerator and it was gone the next morning. Didn’t you eat it?”

“Not me,” I said. “Maybe one of the kids?”

But both of our sons denied touching their dad’s roast beef sandwich and I believed them. Neither of them had ever been big fans of roast beef. Later that same evening I found a ball of foil crumpled on the floor of the living room. The moment I picked it up, Toby left the room looking somewhat guilty.

I looked at the ball of foil I was holding. Was it possible? Had Toby managed to get the refrigerator door open, find the roast beef sandwich, and devour it without our knowledge?

Mark and I agreed that it had to be what happened. “I can just imagine what he was thinking,” Mark said ruefully. “I was making that sandwich, telling him how wonderful it was going to be, telling him how he couldn’t have any of it and he was thinking, ‘want to bet?'”

 

 

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