adult-ish humor


Did you hear about the circumciser who missed? He got the  sack
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   One day a completely naked young lady walks into a bar.  Of course, the  bartender stares at her as she walks up to his bar.  “What?” says the young  lass. “Haven’t you seen a naked lady  before?”
       The bartender continues to  stare at her.  “Give me a beer,” she says. “And stop staring like a  fool!”
       The bartender fetches her a brew  and then answers her original question — “Of course I have seen naked ladies  before!  But I was just curious as to where you’ll pull the money from to  pay for this  beer.”
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On a family vacation in Texas, Mike exhibited all the exuberance of a tourist. At a diner, he and his brothers ordered cheeseburgers. When his meal arrived, the first thing Mike noticed was its size.

“Wow,” he exclaimed, “everything is bigger in Texas!”

As he lifted the burger to his lips, his eyes met the cold stare of a 300+ pound waitress…. 
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A lady and her dog were enjoying a stroll in the park when her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rottweiler. The Rot was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rots ass and the action immediately stopped. The lady was amazed. “How did you do that?” she asked. The little boy said, “That’s my dog and he can dish it out, but he can’t take it.”

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Two young men are walking down Fifth Avenue. One says, “Look at that gorgeous redhead in that green suit.” 

They walk on, and the young man says, “Wow! Take a gander at that blonde in those red slacks.” 

They continue, and first young man says, “Holy cow! Feast your eyes on that brunette in the…” 

The second young man says, “Is that all you can think about? Clothes?” 
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The night before my surgery, the doctor wanted me to take a shower; which was fine with me, after three days of using a basin and washcloth. 

As I walked down the hall, I had a Nurse on either side. The one asked, “Are you going to me able to manage OK?” 

I said, “I feel weak and dizzy.  Perhaps both of you would be kind enough to get in the shower with me.” 

The little blonde Nurse looked up and said, “Nice try.” 

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“Parting  Shot”
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom? 
A: Adjust the  steering wheel
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A   cannibal was walking through the jungle and came 
upon a restaurant   operated by a fellow cannibal. 
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and   looked 
over the menu… 

+ Tourist: $5 

+ Broiled   Missionary: $10.00 

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00 

+ Baked Democrat   or Grilled Republican: $100.00 

The cannibal called the waiter over   and asked, 
‘Why such a price difference for the Politician?’ 

The   cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean 
one? 
They’re so full of   shit, it takes all   morning!

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.
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Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a
few days. He’d been playing outside for a while when
he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what
is it called when people are sleeping on top of each
other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him
the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Johnny just said, “OK” and went back outside to
play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s
called bunk beds!”

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An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter 
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in 
two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed 
her his enormous boner.
“Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do 
with it?” With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the 
wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it.”

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There was the guy who loved nothing better than to sit at nearby bar for long evenings and get stoned with his cronies. But his wife was a social climber, and was prone to having her “ladies” in for bridge etc. 

This one night she didn’t want him to be around embarrassing her, so she told him to stay out as late as he wished, just don’t come in and make another scene. 

Well, he came in the back door a little early, as she was preparing tea and some delicate little sandwiches, and was infuriated at his early return home. 

“You keep your mouth shut, and go upstairs to bed” she told him. 

“Oh, relax,”says he, “I’ll just take a cup of coffee, say good evening to the ladies, and I’ll be gone.” 

“Just keep your mouth shut,” says she again. 

Well, when she finally went back into the living room, all the ladies were gone, and he sat there alone. She ‘flipped’ and told him she was going to divorce him and take everything he had, but he said,”wait a minute, you have to hear my side of the story.” 

“I came in here , sat down, and said good evening to the ladies, and they carried on. One lady said she was having trouble with mice in her house, and another lady suggested she stuff their holes with steel wool, and all I said was, who is going to hold their little legs while you do it? 
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A few jokes

A mother said to her grown-up daughter: “Honey, I don’t want
you to think I have diabetes because I’m fat. I have diabetes 
because it runs in our family.”
The daughter shook her head in despair, “No, Mom,” she replied, 
“you have diabetes because no one runs in our family.” 
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We needed a new doorbell, so my handy brother-in-law helped 
us install one. A few days later, very early in the morning, the 
doorbell rang. We got up to check the door and nobody was there. 
About a half hour later, the doorbell rang and again nobody was 
there. Convinced it was a practical joke, we camped out by the 
door. It rang again, and this time we could see there was 
definitely nobody there. We knew that a doorbell uses low 
voltage supplied by a transformer. We traced the wires and 
noticed that my brother-in-law had wired the doorbell into an 
existing transformer that was also hooked to the furnace 
thermostat. As a result, whenever the furnace turned on, the 
doorbell rang. We purchased a dedicated transformer for the
new doorbell and are now sleeping in on weekends.
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Golf was invented as a “game” by the same people who invented 
bagpipes for “music.”
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Golf is the perfect thing to do on a Sunday because you 
always end up praying a lot. 
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I was enjoying the second week of a two-week vacation the same way I had
enjoyed the first week: by doing as little as possible.
I ignored my wife’s not-so-subtle hints about completing certain jobs around
the house, but I didn’t realize how much this bothered her until the clothes
dryer refused to work, the iron shorted and the sewing machine motor burned
out in the middle of a seam.
The final straw came when she plugged in the vacuum cleaner and nothing
happened.
She looked so stricken that I had to offer some consolation.
“That’s okay, honey,” I said.
“You still have me.”
She looked up at me with tears in her eyes.
“Yes,” she wailed,
“but you don’t work either!”
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A vacationer e-mailed a seaside hotel to ask its location. 
“It’s only a stone’s throw away from the beach,” he was 
told. 
“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man. 
The reply came back: “It’s the one with all the broken 
windows.”
 
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In one of my daughter’s classes, they were discussing the 
qualifications to be president of the United States. It was 
pretty simple – the candidate must be a natural born citizen 
of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class 
immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to 
be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented 
many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and 
the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but 
everyone’s jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument
by stating, “What makes a natural born citizen any more 
qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?”
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Lisa, who is my coworker at the travel agency where we’re 
both employed, had a customer whose trip was a complete 
fiasco from start to finish. Lisa was going to write him a letter 
of apology, but wasn’t sure how to begin.
I reminded her of a similar experience one of my customers
had the previous year, and dug out the letter I’d written for him 
so she could use it as an example.
Handing it to her, I said, “All you have to do is change the 
details: the date, the trip info, and the name.”
Lisa glanced at it, chuckled and shook her head. Then she 
looked up at me and said, “We won’t even have to change 
the name.” 
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The 6 a.m. regulars at the dog run are, not surprisingly, 
a pet-oriented group. Recently John started discussing 
his trip. “The flight was awful! We were delayed for a few 
hours, and when we finally boarded, the baby behind me 
didn’t stop crying for the whole flight.” 
Another dog run regular turned to him in surprise: “What 
did the owner do?”
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A elderly gentleman was strolling through a quiet residential 
neighborhood when he came upon a little boy sitting on the curb, 
crying. “What’s the trouble, son?” he asked. “Are you lost?”
“Worse than that,” the youngster sobbed. “Mom lost her book on child 
rearing and now she’s using her own judgement!”
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Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race 
started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It 
was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making 
fun of me. He said, “Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?”
I replied: “You really want to know?”
Then I dropped out of the race. 
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Bill’s hair kept falling out and he complained to his barber. “That stuff 
you gave me,” he cried, “is terrible! You said two bottles of it would
make me hair grow, but nothing’s happened.” “I don’t understand it,” 
said the barber. “That’s the best hair restorer made.” “Well,” said Bill, 
“I don’t mind drinking another bottle, but it had better work!” 
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Back when I was working as a graphic designer, I often grabbed lunch 
at a Chinese restaurant. I’ll never forget a bit of wisdom from a fortune 
cookie I received one day. “In case of fire, keep calm, pay bill, then run!” 
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Ernie, my husband, has three sisters, and we all get along splendidly. I 
never realized how splendidly, though, until one night at a family dinner 
when we were discussing how it seemed that married couples don’t stay 
together anymore. Ernie’s oldest sister said it would be a shame if he and 
I separated. Curious, I asked why.
“Well,” she answered, “where would poor Ernie have Sunday dinner?”
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Nolan, 4, was “helping” his mom Lisa with the dishes when she 
asked him who’s birthday would be next week. He replied, “Yours, 
Mom.” And he was right. Then she asked him how old she would 
be and he replied “33, Mom, and that’s old.” Well of course Lisa didn’t 
like that very much so she asked him if she LOOKED old and he 
replied, “No, but you will when you are 33… just like Daddy.” 
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The Brickers have been “summer cleaning” for over a week. They 
are going through every nook, cranny, box, etc., to get rid of things 
they don’t need and finish the construction projects. They made it 
up from the basement to the main floor where they are scrubbing 
everything. Caitlin, 17, scrubbed the refrigerator and it looked 
amazing. Kyle, 11, came in and said, “WOW Caitlin! Our refrigerator 
looks brand new!” Caitlin said, “Yes, it’s like having a new 
refrigerator without the new refrigerator payment!”
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Some folks feel the government owes them a living. The rest 
of us would gladly settle for a small tax refund.
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When our kids were young, my sisters and I would pass along clothes 
as the children outgrew them. My sister Jane was trying to persuade
her six-year-old daughter, Meagan, to wear the camouflage rubber 
boots one of my sons no longer used. Jane convinced her that if he 
wore the boots, nobody would spot her in the bushes during 
hide-and-seek.
But after one heavy rain, Meagan could not find her “new” boots. “
You should have bought me those red rubber boots, just like I asked!” 
she said to her mom. “How am I ever going to find camouflage boots?” 
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